Sueños de su Risa

Last night, I dreamt about Dad. It’s certainly not the first dream about him; for about two months after he died, he made appearances in my dreams almost nightly. For a week leading up to his birthday, I had a lot of anxiety and a lot of dreams.

I think this is the first one I’ve had since I’ve been in Nicaragua. In the dream, I was sitting in a big backyard watching a home video with a bunch of people, and suddenly, unexpectedly, I saw Dad projected onto the wall, and I heard his laugh. I ran back to Jasmine, who was sitting a few rows behind me, and I smacked her, yelling, “Did you hear Dad’s laugh? Dad just laughed!”

In my dreams, he is always sick, dying, or dead. Never, even in my subconscious mind, do I get a moment of feeling like everything is okay.

I miss the sound of trains. When I was younger and Dad worked for the railroad, I used to see a train and imagine that it was his train, that he’d see me and smile and wave as he passed.

When I got older and understood where his route was (nowhere near me) I still felt that connection. Every train had the potential to be Dad’s train.

I’d hear them as I fell asleep, and I’d feel like he was nearby. Even when he retired, I’d wake up in the middle of the night and hear a train over a mile away, and I’d feel like he was thinking of me.

It’s been seven months since he died, and I still feel that way. His presence feels strongest when trains pass, and especially at night, they comfort me.

There are no trains here.

When I hiked to the laguna, someone told me that there used to be trains—passenger trains—but one derailed and fell into the laguna, killing hundreds (or thousands) of people.

Anyway, I miss the trains, and I miss his laugh. I don’t remember the last time I heard him laugh. I catalogued lots of “lasts” but somehow I lost that one.

La memoria ha huido.

8 thoughts on “Sueños de su Risa

  1. Anna August 27, 2016 / 10:22 am

    I love you. ❤

    Like

  2. Mom August 27, 2016 / 3:00 pm

    He always talked about wanting to take you girls on ride with him on a Frisco train 🚂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jade August 27, 2016 / 3:09 pm

      I always really wanted to do that with him! I’m glad he had a chance to take us on a passenger train though 😊

      Like

  3. Nicole August 27, 2016 / 4:47 pm

    I would be giving you a hug right now if I could.

    Like

    • Jade August 27, 2016 / 6:21 pm

      Thanks! I can feel it all the way in Nicaragua!

      Like

  4. Jasmine Johnson August 29, 2016 / 11:34 am

    I ran past the train station/train tracks as a train was departing and thought of you. And Dad, of course. I’ll know I’ll never lose that association. And I know we’ve talked about this before, but it’s still crazy to me that you have all of these dreams and I just had the one the night after he died. The divergence in our experiences is just bizarre to me.

    All that being said, I don’t remember the last laugh either. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jade August 29, 2016 / 11:42 am

      Your dream was such a good one. I don’t totally understand the purpose of mine, but that’s ok.

      Like

  5. Grandpa September 2, 2016 / 4:13 pm

    Interesting…..this dream business…..

    Like

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